


Stay

by mean_whale



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst, Bad Sex, Battle of the Department of Mysteries, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, First Time Bottoming, First War with Voldemort, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mild Injury, Not Really Character Death, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus questions his sanity, unexplained occurrences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:40:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29048544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: Ever since they were 16, Remus has lived in constant uncertainty; he never knows when Sirius will fail to be there when he most needs support.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 50
Collections: RS Fireside Tales Vol.3





	Stay

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt:
> 
> Big thank-you to justtoarguewithyou for the beta!

When they were 16, it happened for the first time.

It was a gorgeous summer day. Sirius had invited Remus to spend a few days with him at the Potters’ summer cottage – which was less of a cottage and more of a mansion, in Remus’s opinion. They were alone, just the two of them, at the seaside cottage (mansion).

It was a gorgeous day, and Sirius had insisted that they go swimming. Remus hadn’t brought his swimming trunks with him, since Sirius had kindly forgotten to mention that the Potters’ summer cottage (mansion) was seaside and had a beach. Sirius had then insisted that they go skinny dipping. There were no other people for miles, so Remus had shrugged and followed Sirius to the beach, both leaving their clothes behind.

To get to the sand, one had to climb down a cliff. Remus eyed it suspiciously, but Sirius started descending without worry.

“There’s a small cave just over there,” Sirius said over his shoulder, pointing towards the cliff to their right.

Sirius was beautiful. The wind was ruffling his hair, and his well-formed naked arse was right there, just for Remus’s viewing pleasure. Remus had to turn his eyes away to prevent his body from having any unsavoury reactions that he couldn’t hide while he was in the nude.

He returned his attention to the cliff. It looked dangerous, if Remus was being honest. He was sure that it wasn’t impossible to climb, but looking down from the top, it seemed close to impossible. Sirius was, however, absolutely carefree as he made his way down. Remus wondered exactly how many times Sirius had climbed down the cliffside to make it appear so easy.

Remus turned to watch his feet and started his precarious descent. His heart was in his throat as he tried not to think about how easy it would be to slip and fall and crack open his skull. How easily Sirius might slip and fall, because Sirius wasn’t even paying close attention to where he was placing his feet.

Suddenly feeling paranoid that Sirius would fall if he couldn’t see, Remus stopped and turned to look at Sirius, except Sirius wasn’t there.

It was a gorgeous day, and Sirius wasn’t there.

“Sirius?” Remus tried calling.

He had looked away for just a few seconds. He didn’t think it was enough time for Sirius to get all the way down and be hidden from sight by a boulder or the cliffside itself.

“Padfoot?” he tried, but the silence was only disrupted by the lazy wind and the gentle lapping of seawater.

Remus started climbing down again, keeping his ears open, but he could hear nothing out of the ordinary.

“Sirius?”

His heart was beating too hard.

“Sirius!”

Remus’s heart was racing and his entire body trembling when he got to the bottom of the cliff. Had Sirius slipped and fallen into the water? But Remus should have noticed, he should have heard something. The water couldn’t have snatched Sirius away so fast that Remus didn’t see.

Remus was trying to keep calm, searching the beach. He found the cave Sirius had mentioned. It was empty too. Panic kept rising.

“Sirius!”

Remus’s voice was breaking from the yelling, and Sirius was nowhere to be found.

He must have fallen into the water. Somehow, there must have been a big wave that had carried him away, it must have been something to do with the water because the rocks could not make a boy disappear.

“Sirius!” Remus yelled as hard as he possibly could, his vocal cords strained and sore.

Sirius must have drowned. That was the only explanation, and Remus didn’t know what to do.

His vision was blurring as he started climbing back up. Tears were running down his cheeks as he ran towards the house, and he tried to wipe them away, wondering what he should do. He slammed the front door open and sobbed, heading towards the fireplace to call James – or the Potters, more likely, what could James possibly do?

At the door to the living room, he froze.

Sirius was sitting on the sofa, leafing through a book, dressed in his preferred Muggle clothes.

Remus stared, blinking tears from his eyes, because he must have been imagining things. The tears were somehow distorting his vision, making him believe that shadows from furniture were Sirius sitting on the sofa leafing through a book.

Sirius raised his head and looked at him with a bright smile that quickly died when he took in Remus’s expression.

“Moony?” he asked. “What’s the matter?”

Remus opened his mouth but couldn’t say anything. He looked around the room, looked back towards the front door that was still hanging open. Then he turned back to Sirius who had put the book away and stood up.

“Moony?” Sirius asked gently, taking a step towards him. “Did you have a bad dream?”

“W– What?” Remus managed to stutter, tears still falling from his eyes.

Sirius approached him cautiously, as though he was about to run off.

“Moony?” Sirius asked, and he was standing next to Remus now, raising his hands to gently stroke Remus’s tear-streaked face. “What happened?”

“I,” Remus said, then cleared his throat to help his voice but only made the ache in his vocal cords worse.

“You sound hoarse,” Sirius observed. “Did you get cold while you were sleeping?”

“Sleeping?” Remus asked.

“You were taking a nap,” Sirius said. “You must have had quite a dream for it to leave you this confused.”

Remus didn’t know what to say. His heart was finally calming down, and all the panic was now turning into exhaustion.

“It’s okay,” Sirius said softly, cupping Remus’s wet cheeks.

“I thought you drowned,” Remus blurted out.

Sirius looked at him in surprise. Then he smiled gently and pressed a small kiss to the tip of Remus’s nose.

“It was just a dream,” he said. “I’m okay. I’m right here with you. Alive and well.”

Remus raised his hands to place them onto Sirius’s shoulders. Sirius felt solid and real. Remus gazed around again. The front door was still open.

“What happened?” he whispered.

“It was just a dream, Moony,” Sirius said.

Remus turned to look at Sirius with wide eyes. His legs were starting to tremble.

“Come sit down,” Sirius said.

He took a hold of Remus’s hands and pulled him to the sofa. Remus slumped onto it. Sirius let his fingers comb through Remus’s hair as he straightened up.

“I’ll go get you some clothes,” he said and turned to go.

Remus let out a squeak of panic that hurt his throat. Sirius turned and regarded him in bemusement.

“I’ll be right back, Moony,” he said. “You’ll catch a cold without any clothes on.”

“No,” Remus gasped and forced himself to stand up. “Don’t leave me.”

Sirius looked at him and blinked, then shrugged. He wrapped an arm around Remus’s waist and headed towards the guestroom they had been occupying. He was warm and solid and real, and Remus leaned against him in relief.

They passed the open front door and Sirius absentmindedly pushed it closed. Remus wiped tears off one cheek, then the other.

What had happened?

Remus observed Sirius, who had a small frown on his face. Remus’s eyelashes were still heavy with tears.

Was it a prank? Had Sirius somehow managed to quietly Disapparate?

But Sirius didn’t have a licence to Apparate. Remus didn’t think he knew how. And, surely, Sirius wouldn’t pull a prank like that. He must have known it would seem like something bad had happened. He wouldn’t pull a prank like that.

Would he?

Remus frowned and tried not to think six months back, to the Shack and Snape and the Full Moon prickling his skin.

Remus watched Sirius, who turned to look at him, his frown melting into a loving smile. Sirius kissed Remus and led him to their bedroom, seating Remus onto the bed and rummaging through clothes.

Sirius couldn’t have Disapparated. Remus would have heard. He couldn’t have run along the beach and climbed back up on a different spot, because there had been no footprints on the sand.

At least, Remus was positive there hadn’t been.

He hadn’t really thought to consider it.

Sirius handed him pants and socks and a T-shirt and trousers, and Remus slowly got dressed. Sirius pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

If Sirius wondered why Remus so resolutely refused to go to the beach for the rest of their time at the Potters’ summer cottage, he never said anything.

*

The second time it happened was the day after Remus’s birthday during their seventh year at Hogwarts.

Remus was staring up at the canopy of Sirius’s bed. One of his hands was twisted into the sheets, one was gripping Sirius’s bicep. He had tried his best to seem enthusiastic throughout, but he had gone soft very early on, and Sirius must have noticed. Remus was sure that Sirius’s thoughts were mostly occupied by what was happening… _down there_ , so he must have noticed Remus’s… lack of enthusiasm.

Sirius was panting, sliding in and out of Remus.

Remus closed his eyes.

He had eagerly gone along with Sirius’s suggestion that they take advantage of the empty dorm. He had wanted to try; he had been fantasising about it, dreaming about it, thinking about it until he ached with want.

He had been surprised by how apprehensive he had been when it came time for him to spread his legs so Sirius could stick a part of himself in. It shouldn’t have been an issue at all. Sirius had also given him his first kiss. His first awkward groping. His first handjob, his first blowjob. But then, maybe he had always felt so oddly vulnerable when they did something new.

Sirius had noticed, of course – he always did. He had spent a long time kissing Remus, gently touching him, stroking his thighs and slowly coaxing them more and more open until he fit between them. And still, Sirius kissed him, never tried to hurry him, even sucked him for a bit.

Once Remus had relaxed, Sirius had touched him where he had never touched before, fingers slick with lube merely teasing, stroking on the outside until Remus had asked for more. Remus learned that after the initial sting, he rather liked feeling Sirius’s fingers inside himself. But when Sirius started pressing his… _thing_ inside instead, it had hurt, and Remus had gritted his teeth because he didn’t want to back off after getting so far.

Sirius was always enthusiastic about bottoming. He seemed to enjoy it immensely, and Remus couldn’t understand why. After it stopped hurting, it just felt plain weird, and nothing about it was sexy at all. He had always loved seeing Sirius’s pleasure, and that was what he had wanted to give Sirius too, but he couldn’t get into it.

Remus jolted, opening his eyes, when Sirius touched his… _bits_.

“Moony,” Sirius gasped, hips working relentlessly.

Remus turned his eyes to Sirius, who was, in turn, looking at his face, his hand stroking in an attempt to make Remus hard again.

“Does it not feel good?” Sirius asked.

“It’s okay,” Remus said.

The excessive amount of lube was making squelching sounds.

“I want you to feel good,” Sirius said and kissed Remus.

Sirius’s hand felt nice, and Remus tried to focus on that. That and Sirius’s lips on his own.

He couldn’t stop feeling the way Sirius filled him, the way Sirius moved inside him. It felt weirdly mechanical, and Remus had never realised that sex could feel so mundane.

Sirius shifted his hips, his thrusts speeding up, and then he pressed against something that felt incredibly good. Remus moaned. Sirius kept pushing against the same spot, and finally, Remus could understand the appeal.

With a grunt, Sirius came, pressing his hips tightly against Remus’s arse, releasing deep inside, and suddenly Remus felt like crying. He had failed to give Sirius what Sirius always gave him; instead, he had taken away from Sirius’s pleasure by making him worry about Remus’s comfort.

Sirius continued stroking Remus, but it was too late: the arousal had waned and wasn’t coming back. All Remus wanted was for Sirius to hold him, maybe even kiss him, but mostly just hold him and make him feel less lost.

Instead, Sirius continued stroking.

“Padfoot,” Remus said.

Sirius stopped. He was glowing in the same way he always did after a good orgasm, but he also appeared sorry.

“I’ll suck you off later,” Sirius said determinedly.

“Okay,” Remus said and wondered what Sirius had seen on his face that had made him realise there was no point trying right then.

Sirius kissed him, then pulled out with a grunt. He rested on top of Remus, their chests and groins pressed together, and kissed Remus again. Remus let himself melt into it. He felt more grounded, but also still oddly like he might burst to tears at any moment.

He was a failure.

Sirius pulled back from the kiss and smiled at Remus. Remus couldn’t quite smile back.

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked, his smile turning more worried.

“Please, get off me,” Remus whispered and closed his eyes.

“Of course,” Sirius said, already rolling to the side.

Remus could breathe more easily when he could finally close his legs. Everything was starting to seem almost okay. Maybe next time he would be less of a disappointment, maybe he would learn to enjoy it the way Sirius did.

He turned to Sirius, hoping that Sirius would pull him against his chest, all warm and firm and encouraging, and, in a bit, they could talk and Remus could apologise. He opened his eyes, but Sirius wasn’t there.

“Padfoot?” he tried.

The dorm was eerily quiet.

“Sirius?”

Where could Sirius have gone? It had only been seconds.

“Sirius, this isn’t funny,” Remus said and sat up to look around.

He felt raw and exposed, and he needed Sirius to reassure him that even if he hadn’t quite known how to make it better, it hadn’t been bad, and Sirius wasn’t too upset with him. He had never so sorely needed not to be alone.

Remus furiously blinked his eyes to keep the tears at bay. His throat felt constricted.

“I mean it,” he said.

He swallowed heavily. The silence remained.

“Sirius, please,” he said, and his voice was clearly panicked. “I’m sorry.”

Sirius remained gone. He must have been upset with Remus. Remus must have been worse than he had thought.

Remus’s tears were heavy and made a distinct sound as they dropped onto Sirius’s pillow.

There was no one in the room except him.

After spending a significant amount of time trying to calm down and failing, Remus dragged himself into his own bed, Sirius’s bed feeling restraining and lonely and wrong. He shut the curtains and curled up under his blanket.

He cried himself to sleep.

He slept restlessly, a nightmare chasing him through the night, and when he woke up, it was still dark.

The dried lube and come were making his buttocks itch, and Remus decided that he needed a proper shower rather than a cleaning charm. He opened his bed curtains only to find himself looking at Sirius fast asleep in his own bed, curtains open.

Remus’s eyes scanned the room. Peter wasn’t in his bed, but James’s curtains were tightly shut. James’s snoring was barely audible.

Remus contemplated what to do. He needed a shower, but he didn’t want to chance waking Sirius up.

But he needed a shower.

He went to the shower, resolving to ignore Sirius if he happened to wake up. He stayed under the hot water for what felt like hours, yet still didn’t feel quite clean.

He felt betrayed.

He was angry.

And maybe that made him selfish, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. If Sirius got to be childish and run away rather than tell Remus it had been disappointing, then Remus got to be childish and hate Sirius’s decisions.

He returned to bed, shower-fresh, and Sirius was still fast asleep. Remus couldn’t sleep, so he merely lay there, staring up at the canopy, trying not to think.

It was late morning when Sirius awoke. James was still fast asleep. Remus listened to Sirius stir.

“Moony?” Sirius asked, voice thick with sleep.

Remus listened to him get up and putter around. Eventually, Remus’s curtains were parted, and Sirius popped his head in.

“You’re awake,” Sirius observed. “Why did you go to your own bed?”

Remus glared, then turned his back to Sirius.

“Moony?” Sirius asked.

Remus pulled the blanket over his head.

“Remus?”

He heard Sirius hovering; Sirius’s presence was so loud. He wished that Sirius would take the hint and leave.

Of course, the flaw in that plan was that Sirius would not take the hint. Remus heard him close the curtains and felt him sit down on the edge of the bed.

“What’s going on, Moony?” Sirius asked and placed a gentle warm hand on Remus’s side. “Is this still about the sex?”

Sirius seemed to be waiting for an answer, but Remus wasn’t going to give him one.

“Was it that bad?” Sirius then asked. “I’m sorry I didn’t know how to make it good for you. I feel awful about it. I should have tried harder to–”

“You left me,” Remus blurted out because Sirius was wrong.

Sirius froze. His hand was starting to feel heavy and scalding.

“How could you?” Remus asked quietly, not sure whether he wanted Sirius to hear.

Sirius started stroking Remus’s side. It was an irritating constant rub, and Remus wanted him to stop but didn’t want to have to say it. He wanted Sirius to understand him well enough to know to stop.

“What are you talking about, Moony?” Sirius asked, and it was not what Remus had expected. “You’re the one who left. I woke up and you were gone. What do you mean I left you?”

Remus blinked at the darkness under his blanket. Sirius lay down behind him and pulled him against his chest.

“I would never leave you when you need me,” Sirius said. “I love you.”

Remus didn’t know what to say. He didn’t understand what Sirius meant. Remus had left Sirius’s bed, yes, but only after Sirius had vanished without a word.

“Where did you go?” Remus whispered, still unsure whether he wanted Sirius to hear.

“I haven’t gone anywhere,” Sirius said and pressed his face against Remus’s nape. Remus could feel his breath warming the blanket. “I’m right here.”

Remus suddenly remembered a day nearly two years earlier, the one he had decided to forget about because remembering was too confusing, too painful. He remembered the empty beach and Sirius leafing through a book.

He didn’t understand.

He didn’t understand.

*

It happened for the third time when they were soldiers in a war.

They had been on a mission together. It was supposed to be simple: just keep their eye on a house with suspected Death Eater activity. They had confirmed the suspicions and headed away but were spotted.

After dodging numerous dangerous spells, they found themselves running through a forest in the dark. The Death Eaters were still relatively far behind, so if they could only get past the border of the area under Anti-Disapparition Jinx, they might just make it out without having to fight. The Death Eaters were far enough behind that there were currently no spells being thrown at them, but they could still hear the running footsteps and shouts of their pursuers. They kept running.

Remus stumbled and Sirius hurriedly grabbed his arm, pulling him along and stabilising him. They were both panting hard, the Death Eaters quickly approaching, and a bead of sweat dropped into Remus’s eye. He tried blinking it away. Sirius let go of his arm in preparation to Disapparate.

“Soon,” Sirius said, out of breath.

The Death Eaters were much closer, suddenly. They didn’t know how many were following them: it could have been either a few or closer to a dozen. Remus wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep up the pace; it was only a couple of days before the Full Moon and his joints were aching. Had he known there would be a chase, he wouldn’t have gone on the mission at all. The palm of his wand-hand was sweating, and he was starting to genuinely worry that he might drop his wand.

“Soon,” Sirius repeated.

Remus didn’t dare expend any energy on responding to him. They were almost there. They only needed to cover a bit more distance. Remus only needed enough stamina to get out of the forest and Disapparate. He only needed enough strength not to get caught and probably tortured for information before getting killed.

Remus heard something nearby and turned to look. He couldn’t see anyone or anything, but then again, it was very dark. He wondered if it had been a spell, aimed at them from between the trees and thus missing spectacularly.

He turned to Sirius to ask if he had heard it too, but Sirius wasn’t there.

Remus was so surprised that he stumbled to a stop. Sirius was gone.

“Padfoot?” he softly called, not daring to shout and announce his position to the Death Eaters.

He couldn’t hear anything other than their pursuers and the wind rustling the leaves. He could still feel the Anti-Disapparition Jinx upon the woods. He turned in a full circle. There was no sign of Sirius. His heart was in his throat as he looked around again.

Had Sirius tripped and fallen? Had he turned into Padfoot and slinked away unseen? Or had he–

“There!” he heard someone shout.

There was nothing he could do, he had to go, had to run, just a few more steps and he could get out of there.

His legs were tired and forcing them to run again after a pause was difficult. He stubbed his toe on tree roots and fell, spraining his wrist.

“Fuck,” he hissed and pushed himself up.

The Death Eaters were too close, he could see them between the trees when he glanced back, their masks glowing eerily in the dark, and he knew that they could see him, too. There were more of them than he had realised. He hurried forward, throwing shielding charms around himself as the curses started coming.

There were too many of them and only one of him. He couldn’t tell what curses hit him, just that they did. The air was illuminated with different-coloured spells, the colours getting mixed up with each other. He was using any defensive spells he could think of, anywhere where he could hear the Death Eaters, while simultaneously trying to keep himself from being hit by anything too bad, still running, forcing himself forward through the pain.

He finally made it out of the forest and onto a field, feeling how the Anti-Disapparition Jinx was left behind. He needed some distance before he could take a moment to Disapparate, but he was getting tired, his body was aching, he was no longer protected by the trees, the Death Eaters were getting closer, a few curses hit him painfully, and he fell.

Before he hit the ground, he decided to take a chance and Disapparated.

He fell shoulder first onto a wet rock at the pre-arranged Apparition spot, but he didn’t have time to stop and feel the pain; immediately after scrambling up he Disapparated again to a different spot, then Disapparated again.

He stopped there to wait. His heart was pounding loudly, his legs were hardly keeping him upright, and his hands were shaking. He was still full of adrenaline, and he didn’t want to know what would start hurting once it wore off. He didn’t look down at himself. He refused to acknowledge any pains in his body and the trail of what must have been blood sluggishly trickling down his temple. He slowly counted to a hundred, and when no one followed, he Disapparated to his final destination.

He immediately collapsed, dropping his wand as his arm went limp. The ground was wet and cold. He felt sick. In the distance, a door slammed open, and hurried footsteps approached him. He had no idea who it could be. There should be no one home.

“Moony!” Sirius yelped as he came to a halt and dropped onto his knees next to Remus. “Moony, what happened?”

Remus couldn’t speak. He was still out of breath, and the pain was starting to creep in. He groaned instead, trying to roll over so he could see Sirius, but found himself utterly powerless.

“Remus!” Sirius called his name sharply.

Remus could do nothing but lie there and wish for unconsciousness to relieve him from the pain.

Sirius rolled him onto his back, and he found himself staring up to the night sky. Stars, so many stars, dotted the dark blue.

Sirius’s face appeared in his field of vision. Sirius was his star on earth. It sounded like he was getting delirious.

“Merlin, fuck,” Sirius muttered as he took in the sight of Remus. “What in Salazar’s name happened to you?”

Remus grunted and closed his eyes.

“No,” Sirius said immediately. “Don’t close your eyes. Keep them open.”

Remus couldn’t open them. It was much nicer to keep them closed.

“Remus?”

Sirius’s hand was on Remus’s shoulder. Then there was nothing, long stretches of silence and darkness, until it abruptly stopped.

Remus groaned and squinted his eyes open. He was indoors. He was in bed. He was in their bed.

“Moony?” Sirius asked, his voice small.

Remus turned his head until he was looking at Sirius, who was sitting on a chair by the desk, a quill in hand.

“Where did you go?” Remus asked, voice hoarse. “We were still under the Anti-Disapparition Jinx.”

Sirius blinked, then frowned.

“What are you talking about, Moony?” he asked.

Remus stared. Then, with growing anger he asked, “Where the fuck did you go, Padfoot?”

Sirius seemed completely baffled. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before saying, “I don’t understand, Moony. What do you mean? I’m not the one who’s been gone.”

Remus opened his mouth, inhaling quickly, then changed his mind and closed his mouth, exhaling slowly. He watched Sirius.

Sirius was a good actor, but not to his friends. Remus knew that for fact, but now, he was starting to wonder if maybe Sirius wasn’t exactly what he seemed, if maybe Sirius was better at hiding the truth than Remus had thought.

“We were on a mission,” Remus then said, carefully enunciating each word so Sirius couldn’t misunderstand. “We were together, but you disappeared. You left me alone with a bunch of Death Eaters.”

“Moony,” Sirius said, and his voice was annoyingly even, even more annoyingly rational. “Remus. I don’t know what mission you’re talking about. You’ve been missing all day.”

“I was with you!” Remus said, exasperated.

“That was yesterday,” Sirius said. “We were together on a mission yesterday.”

His expression was peculiar, and Remus had had enough. He turned to lie on his side, his back to Sirius, and squeezed his eyes shut. He could hear Sirius behind him, Sirius sitting by the desk and writing a letter, no doubt.

Who was he writing to? What did he gain from so blatantly lying? What reason did he have to lie about something that Remus knew had happened? Dumbledore had sent them on the mission together. People knew they were there together.

Remus squeezed his eyes shut harder.

It wasn’t the first time Sirius was unreliable, he reminded himself. All the previous times, however, could have been written off as pranks. Some of them were maybe immature, horrible pranks, but pranks, nonetheless. But if Remus could not trust Sirius to have his back in battle…

He heard Sirius get up and approach the bed. The mattress dipped when Sirius sat down. Sirius quietly lay down next to Remus and pulled him into his arms, reminding Remus of another time when Sirius had left him alone when he had needed support. Back then, Sirius had also lain down behind him to pull him into an embrace.

Remus didn’t want Sirius to touch him. It sent shivers down his spine, knowing that Sirius had… That Sirius was…

Sirius was not on his side any longer.

“It’s okay, Moony,” Sirius said. “Maybe you were hit with a memory charm of some kind. You’re just a bit confused.”

Remus said nothing. He didn’t move. He wished that he could stop breathing, that he could stop his heart from beating, just so Sirius would have no feedback from him.

“You’ll be okay,” Sirius said and pressed a kiss into Remus’s hair. “It’s okay if you can’t remember. They must have hit you with something…”

Remus wondered who Sirius implied _they_ were.

Who were _they_ to Sirius? Were _they_ friends or enemies?

There were no other explanations. Sirius must have either Disapparated or turned into Padfoot and gotten away. He must have, and he had left Remus behind, but for what reason?

Had it been a ploy to get rid of Remus?

Remus didn’t want to think so, but the thought had already slithered in and turned his insides to ice.

Sirius had switched sides.

Sirius was the leak.

But Remus refused to believe it. Sirius was holding him in his arms, his chest was warm against Remus’s back, and his breath was warm puffs of air against Remus’s nape. If Sirius was the leak, he would have thought of something more believable than _I don’t know what you’re talking about, Moony_. That kind of a lie was a risk to Sirius as well, because it would come down to who everyone was prepared to believe.

Although, why would they believe a werewolf over a human? Was that what Sirius was counting on?

Sirius pressed a dry kiss low onto Remus’s nape.

“What happened to you, Moony?” he whispered. “Where were you?”

And what could Remus say to that?

*

After that, it started happening more often.

It happened when they were going to take a bath together to help Remus’s joint pain; Remus sat in the tub, but rather than meet Sirius’s warm chest, he met the cold edge of the tub. It happened when Remus had woken up from a graphic nightmare and needed comfort; Sirius got up to fetch him a glass of water but never even made it to the bedroom door. It happened when Remus was bleeding after the Full Moon and Sirius was supposed to help him. It happened when they were having one of their rare good days and were stealing kisses from smiling lips, and Remus was naked in bed, hard and eager.

Remus never knew when it would happen next. He had merely gathered that it only ever happened when they were alone together, although he had debated that for a while because of the time they were being chased by Death Eaters. It was, however, the only consistency he had managed to find, and he clung to it with all his might.

It seemed that Sirius was more likely to disappear when Remus was vulnerable, and he couldn’t understand why. He started to fear being alone with Sirius and putting himself in any kind of a situation that could lead him to feeling emotionally fragile – but what situation didn’t have the potential to lead to that?

He had concluded that Sirius was not Disapparating, because there was never a sound, never an indication that it had happened; Remus only noticed once he realised that Sirius was no longer there. He had wondered if maybe Sirius had no control over it, he had wondered if maybe Sirius had figured out a way to make himself appear gone when he really wasn’t. Maybe it was a new spell Sirius was testing. But that would mean he had been testing it for nearly five years.

Nothing made sense, and Sirius kept insisting that he had no idea what Remus was talking about every time it happened. Sirius spoke as if the situation had continued on normally, as if he had been there all along and was now living the next day, and Remus was still stuck in the past.

No one else had noticed it. It never happened when they had immediate plans with someone. Remus had even tried discreetly asking James and Peter if they had noticed something strange, but both of them had given him odd looks, and he had dropped it.

Maybe he was going mad. It seemed like the only sensible option. Maybe it was just Remus’s mind playing tricks on him, making him believe one thing when a completely different thing had really happened. Maybe his mind was forcing him to get stuck in these situations where he was the most emotionally compromised, giving him a worse ending so he could refocus his emotions into anger towards Sirius rather than feeling vulnerable.

He could no longer trust his own mind. He could no longer trust Sirius not to disappear. He couldn’t trust anyone else either because they were in a war.

He lived in a constant state of overpowering fear.

And then, suddenly, it was all over. Sirius disappeared from his life – except this time, he hadn’t mysteriously vanished. This time, Remus knew that Sirius had been taken to Azkaban.

It was over.

Remus felt like his life was over too, but contrary to what he wanted, life kept going. He continued breathing, he continued moving, he continued repeating the routine of existing, but at least there was no one to disappear from him when he least expected it.

Of course, it couldn’t last.

Sirius escaped from Azkaban, and Remus lay in bed at night, wondering if Sirius had simply disappeared and would not appear again. Or if he did reappear, would he be back in his cell? He had usually reappeared to wherever he was expected to be found if one went looking for him.

Instead of his cell, Sirius reappeared in Remus’s life – albeit briefly. Many unanswered questions were answered, but not the one question that had most burned in Remus’s mind.

Maybe it didn’t matter, Remus thought. Maybe it didn’t matter, because they were no longer together. Sirius was no longer the most important person in his life. He was over Sirius. (That was a lie.) They weren’t even going to stay in touch. Sirius was gone and would remain gone.

Except, he didn’t, and Remus discovered that even after 14 years apart, it hadn’t stopped.

Sirius had arrived at Remus’s cottage very early in the morning, telling him that Dumbledore had told him to lie low there. Remus had already known to expect him, as he had received a letter from Dumbledore several days earlier. They were eating breakfast together, neither of them talking. Sirius was so quiet now, his energy so different, that it took Remus a long time to notice that Sirius wasn’t there.

Remus was surprised by the devastation that took over him. He hadn’t had Sirius for 14 years. What did it matter if Sirius disappeared? What difference did it make?

Yet, he found himself breaking down, sitting heavily on the tattered sofa, face in his hands as he cried. He sat and cried because he couldn’t take it; he couldn’t handle the stress of Sirius being back, Sirius being innocent, Sirius disappearing again. He had already spent years uncertain of his sanity. He didn’t need anything that would make him question it further.

He was still crying when he heard nails clicking against the wooden floor. Then there was a wet snout on his elbow, and Remus took in a long shuddering breath before lifting one hand from his face.

Padfoot gazed up at him with eyes so sorrowful Remus didn’t think a real dog could look that way. With a shaking hand he reached out and petted the matted fur, and Padfoot rested his head on Remus’s knee.

Remus didn’t think he had the emotional strength to deal with a disappearing Sirius.

But what choice did he have?

He tried to keep himself distant, but he could see how that was weighing on Sirius. Sirius was disappearing frequently, but it didn’t always take him quite as long to reappear. His fastest reappearance had been roughly five minutes after his disappearance. Remus refused to talk about it, wouldn’t even hint at it, which left Sirius confused about Remus’s fluctuating moods.

It didn’t stop once they relocated to Grimmauld Place, and Remus discovered that it still followed the same rules: it only happened when they were alone, and never right before they were meeting with other people. Sirius continued having no idea that it was happening at all.

As much as he had wanted to tell himself that he no longer had feelings for Sirius, Remus was discovering that concealing the truth was impossible. He had been doing a poor job of hiding his feelings both from himself and Sirius, yet he still found himself astonished when they kissed one August evening. He wasn’t quite sure who had started it, but Sirius’s lips were hesitant, and it was Remus who pulled him closer. They remained in a tight embrace, exchanging slow kisses. When they finally stepped apart and Remus opened his eyes, Sirius wasn’t there.

With a heavy sigh, Remus made his way out of the library. He was surprised that either of them had thought it a good idea to initiate such an intimate moment in the library when the house was still full of Weasleys and Harry. Anyone could have walked in, and that would have made things awkward because he didn’t know what he wanted with Sirius. Did he want their relationship back?

Could he handle a disappearing Sirius if they were back together?

But how would it differ from what they currently had? They were already spending time together, Remus was already dealing with Sirius disappearing at the most inopportune moments, so what would it change? They would regain their physical closeness. Having Sirius that way would bring some much-needed comfort to Remus’s bleak existence.

It would put Remus in vulnerable situations more often.

Remus made his way up the stairs, glad that no one was there to see him. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to be perceived, even. He wanted to stop existing for a moment, get a break from it all, and when he returned, maybe things would be easier. Maybe a decision would have been made and he no longer needed to think.

He opened the door to his room and froze. Sirius was lounging on his bed. He was fully clothed, but he was in Remus’s bed.

“Hello, Moony,” Sirius said and smirked, although Remus could see the undercurrent of uncertainty that he had gotten oddly used to seeing in a matter of weeks.

“Hello yourself,” Remus said and stepped into the room, closing the door firmly behind himself. “What are you doing in my bed?”

“Waiting for you,” Sirius said, and his smirk was starting to seem very strained.

“Is that so?” Remus asked, taking a step closer but not quite approaching yet.

Sirius’s smirk died, and he was left looking defenceless and unsure.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said with a small voice, watching Remus with big wet eyes. “Did I misunderstand? I misunderstood, right? I’m so stupid.” He turned his head down and sat up properly. “I thought you meant– But no, you didn’t, of course not.”

“Sirius,” Remus said before Sirius could continue. “Padfoot.”

Sirius hesitated, but turned to look at Remus again. Remus smiled at him.

“You didn’t misunderstand,” he said.

Remus didn’t know what it was exactly that Sirius thought they had talked about, since he had personally not lived through that conversation at all, but he knew it was critical to stop Sirius from feeling like he was incapable of comprehending whatever it was that he thought Remus had told him. He didn’t want to think about how mad it sounded when he put it like that.

“I didn’t?” Sirius asked, still sounding hesitant.

“You didn’t,” Remus assured him and finally approached the bed.

Sirius was watching him as though afraid that he was about to attack. Remus sat down on the bed.

“I’ve missed you, Sirius,” he said, his back to Sirius because it was easier to talk when he couldn’t see that he was talking to someone. “I’ve missed you so much. I still love you, and I still want you, and I’m still willing to give my heart to you.”

It was so quiet that Remus was sure Sirius had disappeared again, even though it had never happened twice in one day. Maybe it was getting worse. He didn’t want to turn and see that he was right.

But then, there was a hand on his lower back and the mattress shifted. Sirius pressed up against Remus. His skinny body felt foreign against Remus’s back, but it was still Sirius, he was still warm and still smelled like himself underneath the despair, and Remus leaned back into him.

Maybe it was too fast, maybe Remus was making a mistake. But when he sucked Sirius’s cock and Sirius cried out his pleasure as he came, when they snuggled into each other afterwards and Remus could hear Sirius’s heartbeat calm down, Remus knew that he had made the right choice.

They quickly fell back together, back into their old dynamic, although at times, Remus couldn’t help noticing how different everything was. It did, however, still seem like the right choice.

Remus was due to leave for a mission the following day as they lay in bed once again, legs tangled together and the smell of sex thick in the air. Sirius was holding Remus, and Remus was tired, he was exhausted.

“Sirius,” he said quietly.

“Mm?”

Remus hesitated for a moment, then asked, “Have you noticed that sometimes you disappear?”

Sirius pulled back to frown at Remus. Remus met his eyes.

“What are you talking about?” Sirius finally asked.

Remus exhaled sharply, a bitter smile on his face as he turned his head and rested it against Sirius’s bony chest.

“Never mind,” Remus said and closed his eyes. Then he said, “I need you.”

“How do you need me?” Sirius asked.

Remus turned his head to glance at Sirius.

“Just hold me,” he whispered.

Sirius did. Remus held onto him like a lifeline, and gradually, he started to relax. Sleep was already creeping in, when Sirius cautiously extracted himself from the embrace.

“Where’re you going?” Remus slurred.

“Just the loo,” Sirius said. “I’ll be right back.”

He kissed the top of Remus’s head, the mattress shifted, but when Remus opened his eyes, Sirius wasn’t there.

Remus sighed and eventually drifted off to sleep, feeling cold.

*

When they were 36, it happened for the last time.

The battle was utter chaos. Remus immediately lost track of Moody, Tonks, and Kingsley. A part of him seemed to always be attuned to Sirius, however, so he was aware of Sirius’s position in the room, how Sirius was already vigorously duelling with a Death Eater. He looked eager and excited. He looked alive. Remus was relieved to see Sirius moving so swiftly; it was as though he had never been holed up first in Azkaban, then at Grimmauld Place.

Everything moved fast, and Remus experienced it as quick flashes of people; Harry and Neville, Sirius and Harry, and numerous Death Eaters, their spells swishing through the air.

He felt like he couldn’t quite concentrate; his spells weren’t strong enough, and his aim was just a bit off. He found himself throwing glances at Harry and Sirius, a sense of foreboding growing inside him.

Bellatrix Lestrange’s jubilant laughter echoed above the noises of the battle, and Sirius engaged her in a duel. Then, Remus had to focus on Lucius Malfoy.

(He couldn’t help noticing that Sirius and Bellatrix had moved their duel up on the dais.)

Dumbledore arrived almost abruptly. The Death Eaters were subdued. Remus was already starting to allow himself to feel relief, when he realised that there was still one duel on-going – between Sirius and Bellatrix. They were up on the dais, and Sirius ducked a spell with a laugh, taunting her.

Remus wanted to tell him to shut up and stop tempting fate, but before the thought had properly even developed, Sirius was hit in the chest by the next spell. Remus watched how Sirius’s eyes grew wide as his laughter died. Before Remus could move a muscle, Sirius fell backwards, right through the veil. His eyes met Remus’s at the last moment, and Remus wished they hadn’t because he couldn’t remember ever seeing Sirius so scared.

The veil fluttered.

And then, Sirius wasn’t there.

Bellatrix let out a delighted scream, and Harry lunged forward, which gave Remus the necessary incentive to move, keep breathing, keep going. He pulled Harry against himself, refusing to let go, no matter how much Harry struggled and shouted at him.

Sirius was gone.

Sirius was gone.

Remus couldn’t hear anything except his heart beating too hard, the blood humming in his ears, stray spells flying around the room, and he pulled Harry farther away from the dais. He could no longer face the veil, so he turned, trying to keep breathing evenly. This wasn’t the time to break down, this wasn’t the time.

He felt oddly numb. Nothing seemed to matter, yet everything seemed to matter too much. Remus wanted to be alone so he could think, yet he didn’t want to be left alone with his thoughts so the truth couldn’t sink in.

He was brought out of his musings by Harry tearing out of his loosened grip and running after Bellatrix.

He was about to go after Harry, when Dumbledore pressed a hand against his chest, then moved it onto his shoulder and squeezed gently.

“You should go home, Remus,” Dumbledore said. “Please, do not argue.”

Remus wasn’t sure if he had been about to argue. As Dumbledore hurried after Harry, Remus turned towards a different door and left without once looking back.

Only after he had Apparated into a dingy alley did he regret not looking back.

Sirius was gone. He was gone and he was never going to be there again.

He had fallen through the veil and disappeared.

Disappeared.

Disappeared?

Remus shook his head fervently; he should not get his hopes up, he should accept that Sirius was gone, and this time he was never coming back.

But how could he know?

Remus sighed and rested his head against the cool brick wall.

He knew, because he hadn’t been alone with Sirius.

He knew, because Harry had also seen Sirius go through the veil.

He knew, because Sirius had only ever disappeared when Remus wasn’t looking.

Those three things alone were enough. Sirius was gone, never coming back, and Remus would never have to lose him again.

He slowly made his way out of the alleyway, thinking about Severus contacting them and letting them know that Harry had left and was headed to the Ministry. He thought about Sirius stubbornly wanting to go with them, even though Severus had suggested he stay behind to inform Dumbledore.

Remus should have made Sirius stay.

But Sirius had been so worried about Harry, he had been so keen to finally get out of Grimmauld Place and get to do something; how was Remus to argue with that?

Remus wondered if the world had been preparing him for this – for losing Sirius for good. Had Sirius’s disappearances been just the world telling him that he would keep losing Sirius until he could no longer lose him because he was…

Sirius was no longer there.

Sirius was…

Dead.

Sirius was dead and never coming back, and it was unfair that Remus had never really had him in the first place; he had always been disappearing, never reliably there.

Remus had just wanted to keep Sirius to himself, just for a little bit longer.

He found himself standing in front of number twelve, Grimmauld Place, and stopped.

He didn’t think Dumbledore had meant for Remus to go back there when he had told him to go home. Dumbledore had surely meant the cottage Remus still had. The cottage where he had spent half a summer with Sirius who would disappear almost daily and spent a lot of his time as a dog.

He wasn’t sure he could ever return there.

But where else could he go? He didn’t fancy living in Grimmauld Place alone, without Sirius to counter the gloom, even though sometimes it seemed that the gloom was also in Sirius, deeply intertwined with his core.

Remus went in. The hallway was dim. He made his way up the stairs that creaked horribly when there was no one else around.

He didn’t know what he was doing. What he was going to do.

He didn’t want to stay but he didn’t want to go. But, he thought, maybe he didn’t want to stay more, so he would go and collect his things from the room he had been sharing with Sirius, and then he would leave.

Maybe he shouldn’t be making plans before the others returned. Before Dumbledore returned with news.

He stopped outside Sirius’s room. The room he and Sirius had been staying in. Their room.

Except, now Sirius was gone.

Did that make it Remus’s room?

He didn’t want it.

He raised his hand but froze before he could touch the door handle.

Something felt different. Something felt awfully right in the world.

Maybe he had finally lost his mind, maybe he had gone mad with grief, because there was no way anything was right when Sirius was gone.

Yet, something told him that everything was right.

He didn’t like the feeling. He wanted it gone. He didn’t want it to tell him that he should search for Sirius, because Sirius was never coming back. Sirius hadn’t just randomly disappeared; he had fallen through the veil.

He couldn’t get rid of the feeling. The only way to stop it was to open the door and see for himself that the room was empty: empty of Sirius, empty of warmth, empty of comfort, because Sirius had been his warmth and comfort.

Remus took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. He opened the door swiftly and stepped inside, closing the door behind himself, so if he ended up breaking down, no one would be able to hear.

“Moony?” Sirius asked, sitting up in bed.

Remus stared.

Remus turned to look at the door, then back at Sirius, whose hair was dishevelled and eyes red. The room smelled strongly of stale alcohol.

“You look like you’ve seen a Grim,” Sirius said.

Remus blinked, opened the door, and peeked outside. The hallway seemed just the same as it always had. He closed the door and turned towards the bed again.

“What’s wrong, Moony?” Sirius asked.

Remus stood by the door, immobilised, staring at Sirius who was not wearing a shirt, he now noticed. Sirius appeared worried.

Remus swallowed, but his throat was dry.

“Did something happen?” Sirius asked.

He shuffled closer to the edge of the bed and swung his feet onto the floor. His feet were bare, but he was wearing pyjama bottoms.

“You died,” Remus blurted out.

Sirius froze. He had just been about to stand, and he dropped back onto the bed.

“Excuse me?” he asked, voice rough.

“You died,” Remus repeated.

Then he burst to tears.

He pressed his hands against his face, leaned back and slid down. He was wearing shoes, so his feet didn’t slide along to give him space, and he ended up squatting against the door, wanting to feel the stability of the floor beneath himself but unable to get there.

He didn’t know why he was crying.

He knew exactly why he was crying, but he didn’t want to accept it. He had gotten used to Sirius disappearing, he had gotten used to being left hanging, emotionally weak and needing Sirius’s support, he had gotten used to it and hadn’t cried since Sirius had disappeared for the first time after he had returned from Azkaban.

He was not supposed to cry anymore. He was supposed to be over it.

But Sirius had died.

Except he hadn’t, because he was next to Remus, hovering uncertainly before he sat down on the floor and pulled Remus against himself.

For once, Remus vaguely thought to himself as he turned into Sirius’s embrace and buried his face into the crook of Sirius’s neck, Sirius was there right when he most needed him. He wrapped his arms around Sirius’s waist, clinging to him.

If this was a dream, he didn’t want to wake up. If this was a delusion, he never wanted to see sense again.

He was done losing Sirius.

Sirius felt real, his hand rubbing against Remus’s back felt real, and eventually, Remus’s tears ran dry. He remained in Sirius’s hold, quietly hiccupping, eyes closed and face pressed against Sirius’s warm skin. Sirius kissed the top of his head.

“What happened, Remus?” Sirius asked against Remus’s hair.

Remus squeezed Sirius, then backed away to gaze at his face. Slowly, he let go with one arm to bring his hand up to Sirius’s cheek, Sirius’s hair, and it all felt familiar and alive.

“Are you real?” Remus asked.

Sirius raised his brows and blinked.

“Yes,” he said then. “I’m real.”

Remus leaned in to press a wet kiss onto Sirius’s lips. His own lips tasted salty when he licked them afterwards.

“You’re really here,” he whispered, both hands now on Sirius’s cheeks.

Sirius looked at him in bemusement.

“Are you all right, Moony?” he asked.

“Please, don’t leave me,” Remus said, still talking quietly.

“I’m not going to leave you,” Sirius said. “I won’t leave you, Remus.”

“You promise?” Remus asked, uncertain what he thought it would achieve.

“I promise,” Sirius said. “What happened?”

“You died,” Remus said, feeling oddly disconnected from the words.

Sirius frowned, his eyes asking for more, but Remus didn’t know what else he could possibly say.

“Sirius,” he said. “Padfoot. Please, take me to bed and don’t let go.”

Sirius still seemed confused, but he smiled and slowly stood up, Remus’s hands sliding from his cheeks onto his chest before completely losing contact.

Was that it? Was Sirius going to disappear again?

If he was, it was better to let it happen. It was better to let it happen before Remus got too comfortable.

So, Remus closed his eyes tightly and waited. It never took long, he only needed a few seconds, but he waited for longer, afraid of opening his eyes and finding himself alone.

After a few deep breaths, Remus opened his eyes.

Sirius was watching him with raised eyebrows. He had extended a hand for Remus to take. Remus took it, almost reverently touching his hand to Sirius’s. Sirius pulled him up and guided him to the bed, sat him down and took off his shoes.

Remus could only sit and watch as Sirius undressed him slowly. Every now and then, Remus would close his eyes only to open them and find Sirius still there. Sirius noticed him do it and gave him an odd look but said nothing.

Once Remus was only wearing his pants, Sirius got in bed himself and pulled Remus into an embrace. Remus kissed him, touched him, wanted to drink him in to always remember what Sirius felt like in his arms, against his skin, what Sirius sounded like when Remus made his way down his body and took his cock in his mouth. He wanted to always remember Sirius’s taste, the weight of his erection on his tongue.

He wanted to always remember Sirius’s hand slipping into his pants to pull him to completion, how his cock fit into Sirius’s palm. He wanted to always remember the way Sirius smelled right after sex.

They lay in bed together. They heard people downstairs, they heard Walburga’s wails, but they remained in bed, their hearts intertwined, and they were left in peace.

As Sirius fell asleep, Remus remained awake. He stroked Sirius’s hair. They’d had to cut it short the previous summer, but it had started gaining length again. Remus liked Sirius with any kind of hair, for as long as Sirius remained with him.

Remus’s eyelids were getting heavy, and still, he watched Sirius.

Was he really going to get to keep Sirius?

Remus watched Sirius, and right before he fell asleep, something told him that the answer was yes.

Sirius was there to stay.

**Author's Note:**

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